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What to say/not say to ill or grieving friends
When a friend is very ill or has just lost someone close, you want to call but don’t know what to say, and you don’t want to say the wrong thing. Here are some suggestions:
What to say:
- I just wanted to let you know that I’m thinking about you (and praying for you – if you know that’s something your friend would appreciate hearing).
- How are you doing? (If you get a short response, you could follow with “Is there anything you want to talk about?”)
- Is there anything I can do to help? I have the time. Do you have my phone number in case you need anything?
- Is it OK if I call you again in a couple day or a week just to see how you are doing?
If all you do is say #1, it may be enough. If you don’t get much of a response to a question or two, it’s time to ask question #4 about calling again and say goodbye. People generally appreciate a call. If they don’t, they likely won’t answer the phone. They also appreciate someone who simply says they care and doesn’t push for a conversation. Don’t take it personally. Your call may be the 10th or 20th of the day.
Keep in mind:
- People need to cope with a health crisis or grief in their own way and at their own pace.
- You may think that your sick or grieving friend wants to talk about the illness or the loved one they’ve lost. Maybe they do. But they may prefer to talk about other things. The key thing is to be a good listener.
- Most people stop calling after a week or two. Reminding yourself to call a month or two or six later when everyone else has stopped can often be more important than calling in the first few days when everyone else is calling as well.
What NOT to say:
- I know just how you feel.
- You’ll feel better soon.
- You’re strong enough to deal with this.
- It’s probably for the best.
- He/She is better off now.
- It was his/her time to go.
- At least he/she went quickly.
- You did everything you could.
Learn more:
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About us:
A leader in the research, education and practice of spirit-centered palliative care, HealthCare Chaplaincy has helped more than five million hospital patients, loved ones and staff find meaning and comfort regardless of religion or beliefs for the past 50 years. HealthCare Chaplaincy collaborates with major hospitals, medical centers, and other organizations such as the U.S. Navy and the Center to Advance Palliative Care. It is developing America’s first palliative care campus – a model program to help aging and chronically ill people including an enhanced assisted living residence. Palliative care improves the quality of life of patients with and their families when illness has changed their lives, reduces suffering, and matches treatment to the patient’s values and goals. For more information, please visit healthcarechaplaincy.org.
To support us:
HealthCare Chaplaincy is a nonprofit organization that depends on the generous support of its contributors to fulfill its mission. To make a financial contribution, please visit http://www.healthcarechaplaincy.org/ways-to-give.html to contribute securely by credit card. For personal assistance, please contact Lisha Bodden at 212.644.1111, ext. 132, or lbodden@healthcarechaplaincy.org
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